So after doing a little thinking, I've finally put words on things I've always known about myself. I don't know if everything i say ties together at all, but i'm saying it anyway. And IDK if the title fits entirely, but, it's a Rammstein lyric I really like. And understand. LOL.

Now, but independent, I don't mean some post-feminist ideal. I'm not slamming the opposite gender or anything like that (if anything, it's been men who've been there for me). By independent, I've realized just how much I've learned to function with little to no aid from anyone else.

Ever since I was little, I've had to find ways to amuse myself. My first real recollection of it was kindergarten. There was this big tree in the playground, and sometimes I would hide behind it, to get away from everyone. I was the typical kid, bullied at recess, so I had to find some refuge from it. So I would go behind this tree for a while, and sit there. I imagined a whole new world for myself. I remember a pink sky, with glitter hanging in the air, and wispy white clouds. There was a ranbow too, and th grass was purple, with a brooke so pale blue flowing through it that it was almost white. This world existed, only in a paralell width to the tree, but it was my world. At least until someone kicked me out and told me they wanted to play there. Whatcha gonna do, eh?

Dad even says his favorite memory of me is from when I was about 8 years old, and we were on a girl scout camping trip. No, I was closer to 9. The pictures from said trip still hang on the fridge and it's dated 6-4-94 and 6-5-94 (which oddly enough, Brandon's birthday is June 5). Anyway, we were all playing, heavens knows what little girl game, and if memory serves, I had gotten bored. Across the gravel road, driving into said camp, there was a field, and a forest. The whispering woods or something. It was set up to serve as an 'outdoor chapel' for those girls of faith who would be missing service during their stay. I wanted to see it for myself. I was bored with the green platform tents, and water pump, so I ventured acrossed the road to find out for myself.

I never made it to that wood, but dad said he remembers seeing me walk over there, all by myself, and that I seemed totally happy and content with what was around me. Maybe I was; my memory of this is only vague and I'm relying more on what he tells me than anything. But once again I was happier alone than I was in a group.

The trend only follows. Middle school, as rough as it was, continues to be one of the only times I was always surrounded with people, AND I was happy with that. Concordia was hell on earth (freaking religious morons), and people were more willing to call me a lesbian rather than find out anything about me (yeah yeah yeah ignore the "Married to Hannah Simmons" thing. It's goofiness carrying over from THus. LOL) Snider was full of political bullshit that amounted to little more than nothing (the only reason I say a little more is because I did learn something from it). So I was stuck, reading all the time, and getting lost in Orlando Bloom and Gil Ofarim fanfiction. Writing it or reading it, no matter. If it wasn't that, it was writing in my journal and throwing together poetry that's probably embarrassing now, 5, 6, 7 years later. No one wanted me around--or so it seemed at the time--so I continued to do whatever would keep my mind working, and active.

Sure, there were the few people in high school who did something positive for me, and I still adore in one way or another. There are the few guys who, with exceptionally POOR timing, have said "Man I wish I had known you better in high school", but they're just a little too late. And, there have been people since who are a cut above the rest. They're the people that, even if i don't exactly do it, I'd love to just walk up to and hug and hold for a little while.

But all of this has made me realize, I think people need me more than I need them. Now, as haughty as that sounds, it's not as supercilious as it seems. I'm simply refering to people close to me. People've always reached out to me, and that's great. But it's always people reaching to me. I never reach out (well I very seldomly do). I stay within myself, write in my journal, and move on. Maybe I talk to dad about it. At most. But he's dad...family is SUPPOSED to be there for you. Not to say I take advantage of that, but I know I can go to Dad when I need him.

Brandon says I'm like Elphaba in "Wicked": fiercely independent, but those who are close to me are like glue. He couldn't be more right. Even around him sometimes. he gets more affectionate than i care to deal with, and sometimes it bugs me. LOL. Bad thing to complain about, I know. But it just goes back to that independence thing. For so long I've been forced to rely on myself, and not just for strenght, but for something as simple as amusement, that someone hanging on to every word I say, and telling me they could never hold me tight enough is just a little mind boggling. Not bad, but it's a polar opposite, and when things change that drastically, it's just weird to deal with. That's all.

And even when it comes to that kind of thing, affection doesn't mean much. Bill (Kaulitz) even said his brother would probably tell a girl "i love you" if it would get her between the sheets (hahaha I wonder if he knows tht phrase in anything other than German and English. LOL). If you love me, I don't care if you hug me and cuddle me, will you run through the 'monsoon' (ok ok ok lame i know, just deal) with me, or even for me? Will you forgive me when I fuck up? Will you care for me if i need it? If you won't, I don't care how many times a day you kiss me. It means nothing. It's 1 Corinthians 13...that whole verse. The one they read at weddings. THAT is love--religious or not, Paul hit the nail right on the head when he was defining what love is.

But, on the personal side, I also know a lot of why Brandon is so damn affectionate, and it's actually one of the most beautiful things he's ever said...period.

Not to mention, I think a lot of it has to do with how girls are raised in American society. My parents were never guilty of doing this, but the message rang through loud and clear from the time I was really young: if you're not pretty, you better have a brain because you won't marry well, if you do at all. You have to fend for yourself, and know your stuff, because there won't be anyone there to know it for you. Enter my intrigue in Ancient Egypt and the American Indian. Enter the intrigue with Evolution, and the South American indigenous people. Enter me striving to be the best singer in my grade. It's why I read books, and watched the History Channel. I wasn't the pretty girl. I was the ugly girl who tried to be pretty. I had no taste to speak of, not in fashion anyway. At least, not in compliance with the maintream ideals. And if I wasn't a mainstream ideal, I had no chance. So, i jumped on the "brains over beauty" bandwagon and have ridden it ever since.

All I've ever done was read books, and study language, and try my hardest to know as much as I can (well as much as I was curious) about the world around me. Even in middle school, I remember Emily, Darcy and I would laugh and joke about how everyone else we knew would just wind up married, kids, job, and then here I would come, in my bright red convertible, just home from seeing the Russian Ballet perform "Swan Lake" in Moscow, or seeing the Eiffel Tower, or something crazy like that, and my husband would be with me (if I was even married), and he'd be just as ecstatic about whatever it was we had just done. As much as we laughed, we all knew it was true...to some degree.

I wasn't just your standard issue female, and i never intended on living as such. I still don't. But I also felt, in the back of my head, anyone not a perfect skinny girl with model good looks was destined to be alone for the rest of their lives. So I prepared myself for such a life, gave myself nearly impossibly high goals to strive for, and made up my mind that I would be some kind of scholar, or performer, well traveled and well read, having experienced as much of the nicities the world had to offer. And it wasn't on a superficial level either. It was what I wanted to do with my life. The list of things I considered in high school is insane: archaeologist, anthropologist, historian, biblical scholar, linguist, museum curator, college professor, news anchor, foreign correspondent, translator, representative for the UN, military intelligence, and so on. I figured I would always be alone, never have kids to worry about, or anything like that, so I could be as crazy and wild and free as I wanted.

I didn't spend my childhood planning my wedding day like most little girls do. I spent it day dreaming about the places i'd go and the things and people I'd see. I planned trips and career moves. I tried to figure out what languages i would need to speak, so I could live in Europe. And instead of spending my time reading fashion magazines, it was spent reading the Bible, and 1984, and Brave New World, then leading discussions in Biology about opinions on genetic engineering (no no no I didn't take the Christian Fundie route and say it was bad, but rather I used BNW to illustrate a situation, then let the class say what they felt and why. It was one of the coolest moments of high school for me). If it wasn't a discussion in Biology, it was a debate in Sunday School. I didn't dream about saying "I Do", I dreamed about how many degrees I could get and from how many prestigious schools I could get them from.

Then I met Brandon. The ONLY, ONLY, ONLY (I can't say that word enough) guy I have ever met who wanted anything other than the 'standard issue'. Curves don't bother him and in fact he loves them. Brains are what keeps him there, not just a pretty face. He wanted a girl with dreams, and ambition, a girl who thought about things and had an opinion. I didn't know such a guy existed. After being let down pretty hard by someone i thought would never do as much, I was ready to accept my role in the world. I mean, I had seen that as a long time coming, in a sense, so it wasn't anything to harsh to deal with. I'd been spending my time since I was 9 years old, preparing to live that way. I was 19. I'd had time to come to terms with it. DIdn't mean I LIKED it, but i was ok with it.

And Brandon fell out of the sky. Totally fucking random (or so it seemed). Here comes someone who's like me, who thinks like me, feels like me, sees things like me. I wasn't just 'in love', I was in shock. That's why my ego is basically through the roof anymore. I've learned that beauty DOES come in all shapes and sizes, and my shape and size may not be typical, but it's not any less than anyone else. I am what I am, and that's not just ok, IT'S FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC! So I spent my childhood and adolescene, building myself up to be ready for the dream life, spent alone, when in reality, I was preparing to have the dream life, AND have someone I could share it with. I just didn't think it was possible. I was ready to be "L'autre femme", sitting in a public place sans hat and gloves, smoking, alone, but Life, God, whatever term you want to stick on it, had a different plan, and I'm definitely not complaining. LOL.

That's why the idea of being married so young doesn't bother me. I'm ready to spend my life with that one special person. Why would I want to spend until I'm 30 something, looking around, dating, fucking, being dumped, and living like a bimbo character in a bad chic lit novel, when right now, at 22, I can have my companion; the one who I KNOW not just is there for me, but gets me? I'm ready to jump in, head first, and see what happens next. I can't wait to be "Mrs. Schaadt", and I can't wait to start my 'new life' with him. What is there to wait for? Other than wedding planning...but that's only if you want. We could run to a JOP tomorrow and be married if we wanted.

But I'm a little old school, only in the sense of getting married. I do want a semi-traditional wedding (my hopeful dress is red and white...I had to break tradition at least a little lol), i guess because I never felt like I would have it. But, I did get to break off a little piece of the Ideal, and have it for myself. I can tuck it in my pocket (or rather wear it on a certain finger), and always look at it to remind myself, that, though I thought I would always have to rely on myself, or that sometimes Brandon's being lovey can be a little overbearing, at least now I am not alone. I was wrong, and in this case, it's a terribly good thing. I can have my cake, and eat it too. I can be smart, but I can also be in love. I've got the best of both worlds.